i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
