every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize