i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
