The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize