i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
