i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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