I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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