The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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