you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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