if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
