is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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