I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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