THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
