You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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