The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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