i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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