keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
