Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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