my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
