can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
