you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
