my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
