We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
