the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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