It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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