So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
