PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
