i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
