He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
