I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
