i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
