Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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