so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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