Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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