Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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