I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
