i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
