I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
a search helicopter?!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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