I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
