I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
