I will die if light touches me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize