my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
