Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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