Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
