Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
