He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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