Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
