If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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