Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
