he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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