i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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