I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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