I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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