I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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