Whatcha textin bout Willis?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize