I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
