i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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