my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
