I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
