After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
