Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
