She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just forgot I was standing up.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
