Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
