I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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