I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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