He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
