never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Randomize
