my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
