and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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