Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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