my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
